In last couple of days I read more than one post about the imposter syndrome, and I’ve been struggling to relate. It’s not that I don’t have problems recognizing my achievements, I have. It’s that my achievements are for me a baseline, something very easy.
My understanding that some of the stuff I did is really big and great is heavily distorted. It’s distorted to the point that I am unable to do anything unless I can make it perfect, way above average. So perfect that there’s no place for an error in the creative process.
It’s so distorted that graduating on time with bachelor’s degree in mix of electrical engineering and computer science as one of ~65 from group of 230+ is a failure because I couldn’t earn master’s degree. This is also clash of cultures inside because in central and eastern Europe it’s a custom that university graduate has to have at least master’s degree, bachelor’s is almost worthless. But last place I called home is in New York State. Which cultural standards should I follow?
Perfection is the enemy of the great. I know that nothing is perfect but my anxiety is a terrorist who says that great is not good enough. My anxiety says that it has to be perfect or it isn’t worth pursuing. So playing with code snippets or designing parts without big picture is almost impossible. Learning new technologies is for the similar reason difficult too.
I don’t know what to do except push through and beat my anxiety. It’ll take probably years to get over this but I am prepared to go through this process.