Recovery is more important than skill acquisition

I understand that I am saying this from quite privileged position where I don’t have to look where I find money for my next meal. I know that. In a way I was lucky to grow up with a workaholic who showed that she cared with money. Or may be it was to show off in front of other people. I don’t know.

For me at the moment is priority my recovery from growing up with with an addict (alcohol and work) and processing more than a decade of bullying. During this time it is my priority to recover, than to acquire skills which I could use to earn money.

The reasoning behind this is: If my emotional state is not good enough to focus on things then I need to do something with my emotional state. I still have days when I am paralyzed and can’t do anything. I have hard time speaking, searching what food I can eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner, doing anything. At such times I remember that I can’t leap forward and act like nothing happened. There aren’t shortcuts when it comes to recovery. Recovery takes hard work.

I don’t want to say that skills aren’t important. Skills that are necessary today might be obsolete in a year, especially when my main interest is in computing. Knowledge about myself will last a lifetime. Prioritizing recovery work over work work is important because it allows me to do more and better work work now and in the future. It may sound illogical but that’s how it is.

Packing my books

I plan to move away in a month and half, may be a day or two sooner, but I already have here boxes. The first thing I put in them were books. I have a lot of books. A lot of probably isn’t enough.

Last two years I went through a lot and my books reflect that. I have a lot of them about neurodiversity, be it autism, ADHD or learning disabilities. For me the easiest way how to deal with things is to get as much information as possible and act according to the information. So I have 33 books about these topics.

This much books wouldn’t require a separate box. I added 17 books related to child abuse and neglect. I wrote about it before. When I put those 50 books into a box I became emotional. Not because of what happened but because I was able to work through things that appeared after my mother became less influential person in my life. It made me feel proud and sad at the same time.

I feel strong but not because I survived meaningless abuse and neglect. I feel strong because I was able to work through some difficult stuff on my own because help wasn’t available. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to mimic my process because it’s awfully hard not to have a therapist who can help.

Becoming visible

This is something that weirds me out in a good way. Before transition and probably until I got my name changed I felt quite invisible and unconsciously I want to keep it that way. Three months after the official name change and resolving through some other personal issue I feel ready to be more visible. I refuse to be invisible anymore.

It feels like I don’t have to hide my own weirdness because I have accepted it and it feels natural.

Transgender Day of Remembrance and Paris attacks

This is weird part of the year because every 20th of November transgender people remember their dead, or at least some of them. This year people will read 75 names and I doubt that the list is complete. Those 75 people were murdered quite brutally.

There is also a problem in transgender community called suicide. Rumor has it that there is ~41% suicide rate among transgender people. I don’t think it is a surprise because transgender people have to suffer from discrimination, meaningless attacks, family rejection and other nasty things. Did you know that I can be killed in all US states except California and it can be my fault because I scared them because I am transgender person?

The end of the last year I was already partially numb when Leelah Alcorn completed suicide and the new year was about to begin. Every week I heard about at least one dead transgender person. The numbing continued. When I heard about yet another dead transgender person I acknowledge their death and celebrate life as much as I can because I know I can be next.

When Daesh’s terrorists attacked Paris on Friday I did the same. I acknowledged victims’ deaths but there was nothing more I could do than to witness more meaningless killing.

It’s weird to realize that this is the world in which I live know.

Well, I am willing not to win NaNoWriMo

If I write those 50 000 words, Ok. If I don’t write those 50 000 words, Ok. But, please, don’t call it a win to write those words. A Win should be something else, probably getting published. Writing words for sake of writing words i useless. Among designers there is a saying that “If you can’t sell your design, you have failed. Design something else.”

When it comes to current NaNoWriMo I have met my goals. I write because it let’s repressed memories and emotions surface. I have now coherent memories and I am more functional than before. It is true that I have other problems because of my neurodiverse brain which can’t be solved by writing but that’s for some other post.

Those 16 days were worth every second and I am happy that I did it. If I finish my first draft before December, I’ll be happy but I will start editing right away. I plan to write or edit every day but not as much as this month. Writing 1667 words every day is too much for me. I need to time for some research and for organization. The editing will be painful because I don’t know what and when happened.

I won’t do the NaNoWriMo again. My executive function suffers a lot at the moment.

No, I don’t speak Czech

I have the ability to put Czech words together and form Czech sentences but I am unable to express myself more often than not. I may fool you with my accent and use of complex, often foreign, words but I am able to express myself in Estonian much better. Here is the list of words I know in Eesti:

  • Tere, Tere-Tere
  • jah
  • ei
  • Hommikust
  • tegema
  • kana

I may have lived in Czech republic the vast majority of my life but because of extensive childhood abuse and neglect and bullying I can’t connect to that language or to Czech people in general. There are some exceptions to the rule when I am comfortable enough to use that dreadful and abhorrent language but I can count those exceptions on my hands.

When we are on the topic I am not a Czech person, I only own Czech passport but that shouldn’t be surprising. So, please, don’t push me when I don’t want to use Czech language because chances are I am not able to use it anyway. And if I am, I might not be able to function as much as I would like the next day. It’s just that exhausting.

I am…

I am a writer
I am a swordswoman
I am a user interface designer
I am a woman
I am a trans woman
I am a coder
I am an illustrator
I am a voracious book eater
I am a game designer
I am a third culture kid
I am a human

I refuse to identify as a child abuse and child neglect survivor
I refuse to identify as a victim of bullying
Both are true but neither are helpful. I’ve been through a lot and I am mourning the pain I have experienced, the time I have lost because of mean people who somehow entered into my life. I may never forgive them and forget what they did but I can move on and don’t have those people in my life.