I am not active here anymore. For technical stuff, please, go to sarahgebauer.com.
Labels are strange. They are these boxes into which I cannot fit myself in. I, like everyone else, am too big just for one. So when I use labels I cascade them. Continue reading “Labels”
After every body modification I have got this year I have experienced a wave of “this body belongs to me” feelings. Every time I had to change my routines so my body would heal properly and didn’t matter if it was a tattoo or ear pointing. Using moisturizer or sleeping with a neck pillow meant taking care of my body.
Some people may tell me that because of my modification I will not be able to get on certain career paths. That’s true but these people don’t realize that without them I wouldn’t be able to work towards them anyway. It’s hard to deal with this fact but at the moment I have my priorities sorted. First recovery and getting by and then career.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t care about career at all but at the moment it is not my main focus. Partly because I am still not sure if I am able to function at work in a company and partly because I am planning to switch countries in next five years at least two times.
Remember self-care is important but execution of self-care is individual, find what works for you.
First two names are from Czech politics. One is old, senile populist and the other is populist, billionaire politician in his fifties. Together they resemble Trump including friendship with Vladimir Vladimirovich (Putin). And Brexit, why not throw something which VV loves into the mix?
I want to be positive but I am not sure whether American voters are wiser than Czech and Italian ones. Remember Silvio Berlusconi, another Vladimir’s friend?
I really want my friends in Baltic region to be safe but with a president of USA who might disband NATO because he is friends with an elected dictator I am not sure if they are safe.
I don’t want to sound bleak but during Islamic version of Thirty-years war I don’t think I can be happy with isolationist president of USA, especially after the mess the country, which I used to call home, made around the world.
When I was a teenager I hated when my mother cut my hair. I felt awful when my hair began falling out in my early 20s in a typical male pattern.
When I started hormones I thought a little bit about cutting it to something like pixie haircut but I didn’t do it. Couple of months later I got some hair transplants and fixed my hairline and I felt good, my wallet not as much.
Here I am sitting in Tallinn thinking why do I even have long hair, below shoulders. It doesn’t serve a proper function like pubic hair or eye brows. I also noticed that I have lost some hair on top of my head. I am not sure if this was there before or if I noticed it week or two ago. It might be stress related because 2016 is awful year so far.
Strangely I don’t feel dysphoria about it, it’s female pattern after all. It feels more natural. My self-esteem is fine and I am not anxious about it. At the moment I am thinking about timing of next haircut and whether I should shave my head in one step or do pixie haircut and then got rid of the rest.
I will look like cute Azog in the end. It’s just hair.
For two years I have been housebound. For five I couldn’t leave the country where I lived because of school and executive dysfunction. I have been fighting myself and tried to fight the world and make a dent in the universe.
Side note: When I say dent in the universe I mean to become someone known in my industry, web design or web development or both. I didn’t want to shape the universe like Zuckerberg tries to do.
What I didn’t realize is how big the world is because I focused on my survival, learning about my industry as much as possible and trying to break through. Right now I am on a different continent after almost seven years and my world is expanding. I admit that I have a bit hard time to cope with it. I shaking off the tunnel vision when I was trying to specialize into two or three fields during those housebound years and almost everything else went past me.
Millions of people did a lot of exciting things about which I knew nothing about and a lot more will do quite interesting things about which I’ll never hear in my life. And that’s alright.
May be I’ll become famous in my field, may be I’ll change my field and become famous in it or I’ll be someone who likes her work. My mother’s “Either you are in Top 10 or it doesn’t matter what you do.” isn’t as powerful when you look around with a different perspective. She may have understood how big her field is in a country like Czech republic where she could compete with big companies on some jobs. But what it means to be in Top 10 on a global industry with hundreds of thousands of people?
I can do only my best and schedule properly.
I am always looking into other fields than my own because I will never know what’s my inner calling if I don’t explore the world. When I was watching the first video in Jessica Hische’s class on Skillshare I began thinking why am I doing what I am doing. Why did I take a different path than she did?
The answer is quite obvious: I didn’t know what she knew when I was her age when she chose a field. I always did something around computers because I wanted to be a Game Developer. At that time everyone told me that I should learn to code. Once a person tried to convince me that digital telephony was the next big thing but I just couldn’t get into it, other time I got into network administration but I learned to hate it.
The reason why I hated the network administration is because my boss new very little about and I was supposed to learn everything on the fly and graduate from high school at the same time. And no mentor was available. I don’t think I failed but I learned how to prioritize things in my life and also not to go somewhere as a junior where I won’t have a mentor who would at least explain to me things how it works around there.
When I was 15 or 16 a psychologist told me that I should begin specializing in one field as soon as possible. I would love to specialize at that age but my English at that time wasn’t yet that good, internet quite shitty, not enough resources in Czech with my poor Google-fu and no one around me knew what it means to make games. Everyone told me that I need to learn how to code.
Instead I began looking for things which might interest me, learning how to code, building antennas, controlling robots. During my college years I was taught how to code in two assemblers, VHDL, Java, C, Matlab and LabView. It showed me what’s available but time and time again I have always returned to User Interfaces because I have met many which were really bad. They almost made me forget about making games.
So I found a field in which I want to specialize. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t venture into sound design or lettering from time to time because it’s fun to look at other people’s specialties.
I have a deeper voice than most women and I have a problem with that. I also have problem that some women deepen their voices so they can sound more authoritative. I have one example in my family, my mother, and as another example is Margaret Thatcher. Both had trained their voices to be deeper. Here’s an example:
So as I progress with my gender transition I am confused a bit. If I speak with my deep male voice, thanks testosterone, I might get ridiculed. If I do my best to speak as high as possible I might not get seriously. Is gender ambiguous range the correct one? How do I know?
May be it is. May be I should take those two women as role models when it comes to voice and achieve their pitch ranges.
I want to have one. I want to have a closet full of clothes.
I don’t want to have to deal with national identity confusion. Seriously what am I?
I want to have a place where I could go home. Just one. Not many which feel like home but none of them truly are my home.
I want to have at least one parent whom I could trust when I am in depression.
There were events in my life which gave me quite different perspective to look at the world and life but sometimes I wonder if they were even remotely worth it. It’s hard to judge when I still don’t good counterweights for my life scales.
It is revealed mostly when I talk to people that when I do something which I consider normal that it’s in fact something they consider hard or difficult. At that time I am usually hard on myself because of all the experiences I’ve been through and that thing should be easy.
I am not sure I can lead boring life anymore.
I am quite open that I grew up with an workaholic who would blame me that she can’t stay sober. I am not making secret that I have experienced 11 years of bullying on two continents. (White Americans were quite unimaginative in this area.)
Both affect me severely in my adult life but I am healing myself. My choice when it comes to modify my body as making it my own works because today I am feeling genuine gratitude for a lot of things in my life. I didn’t felt it before. I tried to force myself to feel grateful but there is a significant difference between now and then.
I have been struggling for a while where to go from survivor to thriver as there aren’t many resources for that. Yesterday I found a pointer and now I just need to keep walking.
Good luck to you on your own journey.